The First Time I Was Raped

5 Aug

Yes … it happened to me twice.

The Girl I Used to Be

I’ve never been the kind of girl who knows how to ‘work’ the opposite sex. I was always very awkward and shy around boys (well, actually, around people in general), and was only able to pick up on the signs that a guy was interested in me after he had moved on to someone new. I asked a family friend to take me to my high school prom, and I got my first kiss at the age of 21. I’m making myself sound like an ogre right now, but I would get compliments on my natural looks all the time (it took me forever to stop thinking I was plain and childish and just accept that I had some things going for me like everyone else), and my personality was alright – if a little geeky. I just never got any real play until I made it to university.

Inseparable

Some years later when I was 24, I got into my first relationship. Looking back now, I see all the ways I was wrong for my choice as clear as day. I’m embarrassed to admit that I wasn’t so attracted to the guy – let’s call him “J”. I had known J through a group of mutual friends for about 2 years prior, and we went to the same college, but we weren’t particularly close. He creeped me out a little before I got to know him, because he was a loud and boisterous jock type by nature but so subdued that he was practically mute around me, and I thought he was just rude. A girlfriend finally clued me in on the fact that J had been interested for more than a year. I was flattered, but left it at that until my beloved stepfather passed away of terminal cancer. J surprised me by showing up to my mother’s home with flowers on the day of the wake, having never been there before, and he spent the day trying to console me while other guests and grievers tended to my family. From that point on J and I became inseparable – my second mistake.

The Take-over

The relationship started out innocently enough. We did it textbook, going out to dinner, parties, sports games, and starting up a friendship. J would call me every night just to talk and went out of his way to do things for me, picking me up straight from work to take me shopping or just buying me gifts he knew I would like. He won me over quickly, and I felt like gold whenever I was with him. We became ‘that’ couple, you know, the kind that annoys their friends because they’re forever together to the exclusion of others? I found myself over at his house all the time. I got myself  a shelf in his bathroom. My own drawer. Then, half of his closet. It still amazes me that I never ended up officially moving in.

I lost my virginity sometime in between all of that commotion, about 4 months after we began to date. I became addicted. I won’t gross you out with the details, but suffice it to say that sex happened a lot for the latter half of the relationship. It made me feel close to J, more loved, and like something was finally there to fill the gap in my heart where loss and abandonment used to reside. Obviously I’d reached the ultimate in my naivete, because I started to feel that way at the same time that I was noticing “changes” in J’s personality. Like, for instance, how vulgar and demanding he got whenever he was drunk – and those incidents were increasing in frequency. It started off with J drinking at parties and nightclubs, and turned into a joke among our friends when J would be wasted right after work. And for some reason, being drunk heightened his libido, or so I thought. Stupid me.

Liquored Up

I was trying to sleep over at J’s place one night with him snoring away his liqui-daze on my left. He suddenly coughed and rolled over, so I thought it was my window of opportunity to take advantage of the quiet. Instead I felt a hand on my thigh. The bed creaked as he rolled back to breathe into the back of my neck, and I closed my eyes as his hand traveled up my hip. Cuddling usually helped me to sleep. His hand traveled up farther, to my breast, and my eyes opened, but I didn’t move. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t figure out what he was doing, if he was sleeping or not, if he was serious or dreaming, while he used his hand to urge my panties lower. J climbed on top of me, pushed himself in between my legs, and the situation suddenly made sense. I jolted as if I was waking up. J froze, and I heard him whisper “Hey, are you awake?” but I couldn’t move or breathe. That was my third mistake – silently consenting. J moved one of my limp legs aside, and the deed was over in minutes. After that we went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning feeling not much of anything, and J’s side of the bed was empty. Not seeing him there helped me to convince myself I had dreamed up the previous night. I had to put my panties back on, but I pretended that I had been the one to take them off. I got dressed quickly, left the house and the door unlocked behind me. I didn’t take any of J’s calls later that night. I pretended that we had had a fight, and we were broken up. I acted friendly when I saw him in public, and distracted myself with other people. I just kept pretending. I wouldn’t let myself think that anything had happened until almost 3 years after the fact.

Regret

I’ve never told anyone that story before today. Maybe if I had, I could have prevented round 2.

4 Responses to “The First Time I Was Raped”

  1. Noodles July 25, 2014 at 7:10 pm #

    I dont understand. You had regular sex that you enjoyed and slept together but the moment he touched your breast in his sleep in the middle of the night your eyes opened wide awake in a panic?

    So when you normally slept together in the same bed, that must mean you never hugged each other in your sleep even? Was this a king size bed? Your memory or the words you chose are strange describing this.

    If you are so into this guy sexually that you hump all over the place, and you didn’t want to gross the reader out even, then why exactly would your eyes open wide awake because he touched your breast, making it almost seem like it wasn’t your boyfriend who you love humping doing it, but some relative….

    or stranger you never been intimate with crossing a line that would make you eyes open wide at the weird audacity and unexpected turn of events?

    • E. A. July 25, 2014 at 9:24 pm #

      You’re either trolling my blog, or you skimmed the post before you commented, but I approved your comment just to suggest that you try reading my story more carefully. If you have honest confusion, your question/s have already been answered.

    • deege August 19, 2014 at 3:47 pm #

      I am confused a bit too. My thoughts are she was shocked that he had been having sex on her while she was asleep. My friend who is in a totally committed relationship doesn’t feel this is a violation and participates or snooze back off. I don’t think I could sleep through and my guy stops if I wiggle away. But for her situation, I think she felt violated.

      • E. A. August 19, 2014 at 6:00 pm #

        “My thoughts are she was shocked that he had been having sex on her while she was asleep…I don’t think I could sleep through and my guy stops if I wiggle away.”

        Thanks for your comment and comprehension. You said what I was trying to convey a lot better.

        To those that say I overreacted or whatnot, there is no law that says just because you’re in a relationship with someone, that person has a right to fuck you in your sleep. Maybe there are some that are comfortable with that, but if a man sticks his dick in me while I’m sleeping, and I’m upset about that, I haven’t consented … because I was asleep, and maybe I didn’t want to be fucked at that time.

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