Victim-ness

3 Aug

Nobody wants to talk about it. You don’t even want to acknowledge it, and it happened to you. You hope others won’t find out. You worry about what others will think of you if they do, if they’ll see you differently, if they’ll avoid you or ignore you. You think about reporting it to the police, but worry that they’ll ignore you. Chances are they will – nobody wants to talk about it, remember? And these cases never make it to court, much less conviction. You’re the one everyone’s questioning, the one everyone doubts. You’re the one with the ugly stigma now. The nightmares you’re having, the suicidal thoughts, non-stop tears, emptiness underneath your skin – none of that really matters to anyone. Just go to counseling, and maybe in a year or two you’ll be on the road to forgetting. The world will have forgotten you and your drama by then.

My name is E.A. I’m 28 years old, and I’m a rape victim. I wish I could call myself a survivor, but I’m not over my ‘drama’ yet. I really wish I could say I was recovering, but I don’t feel like I’ve changed much since the day realization caught up with me. I know the memories of being raped will probably stay with me forever … but I want out of my victim-ness and I’m determined to fight with every ounce of energy I have left.

Rape may not be the worst thing that you can ever go through in life, but it ranks in my top 3 and I wouldn’t wish it even on the men who chose to make a sexual sport out of me. It kills the human spirit like nothing else I’ve known. I’m believing today that I can triumph over my past and live again. I hope you’ll choose to make the healing journey with me.

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